Black Tar Heroin Is My Fallback Plan

So, three years on and, not much has changed for me. Those things that have changed seem to be for worse. Is two more years going to be enough to turn it around? Or is it just enough rope to hang myself into a quicker backslide. The worst part, the one that really gets me, is I just plain forget sometimes. Bad Spirit Sea lies ahead.

I’m arguing with myself over what I mean when I tell myself that I can’t “waste” the time I have left.

I’m leaving behind a trail of half-finished books, which is something I’ve never had a problem with before. It all ties in to finishing this stage and moving on to the next.

It’s been awhile. Two weeks home for a funeral, second time in a row. The third is supposed to be a marriage, and then never again till the homecoming. Seems literary in its neatness. They where a time for mourning, carousing and reflection. I, once again without fail, embarrassed myself, but I seem to be getting better at not doing so and not doing it as badly. Honesty is always going to bite me in the ass though.

I’ve come back with a clearer mind now, even if it is a little darker behind and ahead of me. Can I change? It seems something not capable in my person to knock myself out of grooves that are heading in a bad direction, but the only challenges I have trouble meeting are the ones that I must move toward. They almost inevitably defeat me.

I actually teared up a little bit about the election after getting drunk. It’s dumb, but I’m still riding pretty high on what has come to be. The best line of post-election euphoria: “I Know Hope”

Waeguk for the cold month, and all you’ve got to look forward to is more bad juju and even less good news. You can’t doubt your abilities if your going to give it the old bastard try, but all you’ve got around you are examples of wasted talent and numbered days. The debt was going to be paid off with glass made sand in the dunes you were hiding, but now this jungle hell has overgrown all your aspirations. Machetes aren’t going to cut through it and you’re mistaken if your wit is going to be any sharper.Why is it all just an endless string of didactics when you realize that the friends you had are the friends you broke, and love is an insult if it isn’t a joke, and all that’s left is tokens. What do you do with a heart that doesn’t break, it aches? The Queen of Stabs will do you no good with the hand you’ve been dealt. You’ve always preferred blackjack but were mistaken about its class. You’ve lost the trail on the way to people you could have been, but only grew to know.

I cut my hand again today. This time it’s on the top of my left index finger, running from the nail through the first joint. My hands scar very easily. “My hands are like etchings of concertina wire teeth exhaust burns and broken windows. Shiny pink patches that show up when I tan.” They are easily more scarred than anyone else I knows hands. This new one should be good, it runs deep and relatively long, it gets right into the meat.

God has seen fit to deal me a bitter hand and reintroduce me to Diplomacy which has to date cost me something in the neighborhood of 11 hours of lost sleep. That number is expected to grow linearly. I don’t know why I find this game so attractive, but I do. I suppose it might have something to do with the very deep personal interaction that goes on, or the deep satisfaction of a successful stab, but whatever it is it’s got me hooked in a way only really good books sometimes do.

Biology is already the most boring thing ever and makes me not never want to go to school ever again.

The war on the domestic front is winding up neatly on one front. Personal laundry and goods have been cleansed and organized. I didn’t throw away as much stuff as I thought I would, but I think some of that has to do with being better about not hanging on to junk, maybe. I’ve been making an effort to recycle stuff and save water/energy. It’s supposed to take something like 30 straight days to build a lasting habit, so we’ll see how that goes.

Although me and Netflix have been a running joke in the past, I’m finally starting to use it. Right now there’s something like 100+ movies on my queue, the vast majority of those being from before 1945. But at the rate that I can watch a movie, mail it in, and get a new one I can only watch like 6-8 movies a month, so that list will be long for a while. And what is this bullshit about the watching instantly thing not working overseas?

I signed up for biology last week. It was the only class they offered this semester that I either hadn’t already taken a class for or taken an AP test for. I won’t know what credits will transfer, I have to take two classes first, but I’d like to avoid any kind of repeats if possible. Here’s hoping the plunge back into academia (more of a toe in the water really) goes better than my last foray.

The job has taken a remarkable turn for the better. In large part this has to do with the news that my unit will not, after all, be going to Hawaii. So though that may be spiteful, at least it removes one of the primary contentions I had with the work. The pace in general has slowed down, and some new blood around the shop has made the atmosphere a great deal more jovial. I’ve got a lot of free time now too, so for now I’m doing an extreme reorganization of the shop, though after that I’m not sure what I’ll keep busy with.

Well, things keep going forward towards the end of the summer.

My birthday last week at Park was all around raucous. Although I always manage to embarrass myself somehow, I still had a great time. Having work off the next day helped considerably. Lord knows why I insist on calling people long after I’ve been reduced to the point of gibberish.

So beyond the usual cloud of worries that nag at me I’ve begun to feel the weight of two more specifically. Money & Health. These are pretty basic, and somewhat hand-in-hand, but I find myself farther and farther from my goals. Here’s what I want with health, satisfactorily and idealistically. Satisfactory would be to get back down to 200 lbs. or about 15%, which while entirely manageable I seem to be unable to get the ball rolling on. Ideal however is another story. Is that even real?

Money. Hmm. So many goals and yet so little compatibility. I guess I have to choose between two scenarios. One is Okinawa centric, involving me spending likely most of my money here and when traveling. Though souvenir and memory rich it leaves me close to penniless when I return to American shores. The other is to focus on the return and save up for an ambitious all country road trip. If I manage to outdo myself and save up excessively I would like to begin again the Mustang project, though a situation permitting that would likely be a year in the making, but would definitely complete the setting.

A third way is to compromise, but I get the feeling that I would be more satisfied by just falling one way or the other on the issue. A monkey in the wrench, so to say: I may not even be staying out here in Okinawa per my plan, the possibility is that I’ll be returning to sunny San Diego again. I’ve already got web orders to go, it’s just up to whether or not my extension request is approved.

Of course, seven months in Iraq and $12,000 would make all this worry moot.

Ingredients:
(1) Albacore Tuna, solid white, can
(1) Dill Pickle, kosher, spear
(1) Romaine Lettuce, leaf
(2) Swiss Cheese, slice
(2) Multi-Grain Bread, sweet, dark, thick, slice
(2) Miracle Whip, tbsp.
(1) Pickle Brine, tbsp.
(1) Mustard, tbsp.
(1) Honey, tbsp.
(1/2) Salt, tbsp.
(1/3) Butter, tbsp.
(Large) Pepper, pinch

Tools:
tbsp.
butter knife
can opener
plate, glass
bowl, mixing
toaster

Instructions:
-Open can of tuna fish, drain water, empty into mixing bowl. Mix in salt, pepper, mustard, pickle brine. (1) can makes two tuna fish sandwhiches.

-Place bread slices in toaster till browned or until preferred crispiness achieved, remove toast from toaster. Place swiss in between bread slices to soften. Spread butter, honey, and miracle whip with butter knife onto top slice.

-Spoon (1/2) of tuna onto top slice. Place romaine onto tuna. Remove top slice and flip bottom slice swiss side down onto romaine.

- Flip sandwich over. Cut in half with butter knife. Serves (1).

Nutrition:
If served with pickle, (1) serving contains:

Calories 722.80
from fat 278.33
Fat 33.20g
saturated 12.92g
trans 07.22g
Cholesterol 93.25mg
Sodium 2555.50mg
Potassium 334mg
Carbohydrates 73g
dietary fiber 08g
sugars 27.80g
Protein 41.25g

Ingredients:
(1) Hamburger, pre-grilled, well done, patty
(1) Egg, Jumbo
(1) Dill Pickle, kosher, spear
(1) Swiss Cheese, slice
(1) Multi-Grain Bread, sweet, dark, thick, slice
(1) Miracle Whip, tbsp.
(1) Ketchup, tbsp.
(1/2) Honey, tbsp.
(1/3) Butter, tbsp.
(Large) Pepper, pinch
(Large) Salt, pinch

Tools:
tbsp.
butter knife
plate, microwavable
microwave
toaster

Instructions:
-Place hamburger patty onto microwaveable plate. Crack open egg, separate yolk from albumen. Taking care to prevent excess albumen from flowing onto plate, place yoke in center of patty. Salt and pepper yolk. Place container in microwave and set for (1) minute at full power.

-At (35) second mark open microwave door and quickly perforate yolk to prevent explosive expansion of hot air. Close door for remainder of (35) seconds.

-At completion of (1) minute open microwave door and quickly place swiss slice onto patty. Close door to allow time for swiss to soften.

-Place bread slice in toaster till browned or until preferred crispiness achieved, remove toast from toaster. Spread butter and honey with butter knife.

-Remove patty from microwave, place swiss and yolk side down onto toast. Add ketchup and miracle whip to top of patty.

-Allow to sit and cool. Serves (1).

Nutrition:
If served with pickle, (1) serving contains:

Calories 729.33
from fat 381.33
Fat 42.46g
saturated 17.33g
trans 08.70g
Cholesterol 401mg
Sodium 1680mg
Potassium 109.10mg
Carbohydrates 41.50g
dietary fiber 02g
sugars 18.90g
Protein 45.70g

Ingredients:
(1) Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner, box
(1) Egg, Jumbo
(1) Butter, tbsp.
(1) Ranch, tbsp.
(1/2) Salt, tbsp.
(1/4) Sharp Cheddar, Shredded, cup
(1/4) Ricotta Cheese, Whole Milk, cup
(1/2) Milk, Whole, cup
(Large) Pepper, pinch

Tools:
tbsp.
cup
container, microwavable, (8) cup
microwave

Instructions:
-Pour Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner macaroni into container, fill container to (1) cm above macaroni with hot tap water. Add salt and pepper, stir. Place container in microwave and set for (10) minutes at full power.

-At (2) minute mark remove container from microwave. Crack egg , add butter, pour milk into container, stir till blended. Return container to microwave for remainder of (2) minutes.

-At completion of (2) minutes remove container from microwave. Add Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner cheese sauce mix, ranch, cheddar, ricotta, stir till blended. If thinner sauce desired add (1/4) cup milk or until preferred consistency achieved.

-Allow to sit and cool. Serves (2) - (4).

Nutrition:
If divided into (3) equal servings, (1) serving contains:

Calories 407
from fat 159
Fat 22g
saturated 10.66g
trans 00.63g
Cholesterol 148.33mg
Sodium 1060.33mg
Potassium 155.70mg
Carbohydrates 54.16g
dietary fiber 01g
sugars 11.50g
Protein 18.73g

These are the same old promises I’ve been making to myself since time immemorial.

The new job is in many ways a sugar treat filled with poison. On the one hand I’ve pretty much got the run of the place, with really just 1 1/2 a boss. There is no petty work to complain about, and the actual amount of business is rather low, which might bore some people but I’m never bored so I’m not bothered much. The atmosphere is altogether more congenial, and I actually like my 1 boss pretty well.

Now the contraries: My free time is lost and hasn’t really been seen since I started. I am frequently working through lunch and sometimes over an hour past the usual closing time, not to mention working weekends is no longer uncommon. And I absolutely loathe my 1/2 boss. A source of constant frustration is that I find myself in the middle of a poorly designed and at times frustratingly obstructive bureaucracy. I’ve never wanted to do any kind of paper pushing office job but this is exactly what I’ve wound up doing. Half of our workload comes from serving as a useless intermediary between those requesting and those who process the requests. God forbid we need to find out what’s going on with any past jobs; we constantly find our hands tied in the face of hydra like departments and administrative levels.

What may be worst of all is the sheer injustice of how I came to be here. The guy I replaced was actually fired for incompetency and sent back to our unit. Getting fired from this job, which lasts six months, is unheard of. Worst of all my unit has gone to Camp Fuji and will be going to K-Bay, and that worthless sack of shit gets to go in my place. And he’s not even the kind of guy that would enjoy it.

This is going to be rough until November.

Tokyo was a good time, but every time I get on a boat or a plane I come back worse off than before, and in so many ways.

After living down the road in a temporary barracks for a couple months, while our old one was being painted, we are finally moved back in. I didn’t much care before, but now that I’m back it’s pretty nice. We’re closer to work, the water pressure is actually decent here, and the rooms are just nicer. The only disparaging thing I have to say about it is that were a lot farther from the gate, which means more honcho rides. Moving has also demonstrated to me how much useless shit I’ve managed to gather around me. So now I’m doing something which I used to do probably once a year, but really have been putting off for almost three now: Going through everything I own and throwing everything that isn’t vital away. This usually means getting rid of a lot of books, CDs etc., but since I don’t have the option of a trip to Half Price Books a lot of it’s going in a box to wait for the next time I go home. It’s also dug up a lot of half finished projects that I need to finish; if I ever get around to it some people can expect to get stuff in the mail.

I read Tropic of Cancer and I can’t remember the last time I was so excited by a book. The only thing that killed me about it was this wild swing in tone, where in one instant he’s out with his friends and they’re having wild times, and I’ve almost never heard better stories; and then the next he spends half a chapter in soliloquy waxing poetic about the human condition and the filth surrounding him and filling him and it’s all I can do to keep from skipping forward and looking for quotation marks. The maddening thing is that even though 99% of his monologues are bullshit he still drops these occasional lines that are amazing, I just want to frame them or tattoo them on my body or something.

Halfway now, and then new beginnings.