Black Tar Heroin Is My Fallback Plan

I’ve got what appears to be five more days out here in Korea, and for all the harm I’ve brought on myself out here I’m sad to go. I part with images of snow covered forests and a hilltop view of a city by the bay. Everything is neutral now, and as long as I am distracted I will keep away from the extremes. Things to wonder though: What to do, and how to do it once I return to Okinawa. School, more tattoos, getting healthy, meditation?

I’ve read more books since arriving in Korea than I had all 2007 it feels like. I forgot what reading, and keeping reading does for me. It’s bad in ways, an endless fireworks of thought again, where before it was quieter, but also it is life again. Everything is more likely now.

I’m going to do something when I get back that I haven’t in a few years and it’s overdue, where before I didn’t think I should till the end of this period. I’m going to go through everything and burn it all to the basics and anything vestigial I’ll let dry and fall off like clean, ash leaves. This year is busy being born, and I am through dying.

…but at least they have decent squirrels. With chocolate fur and tufty ears and all.

So a downward spiral definitely hit its end on Tuesday night. In any case I’m going to give up drinking, at least for awhile. This trip to Korea has ruined me. Pretty much all I’ve done since I arrived is indulge in vice, spend all my money, and drink myself into oblivion at every opportunity. This isn’t really how I saw things turning out. I need to get back to Okinawa and I need to take a break from myself. I guess I’ve seen this coming for awhile, and though it had evened out into more of a sustainable, if not ideal, groove now it’s gotten way out of hand and I’ve been doing things I didn’t think myself capable of, or at least I wouldn’t do so casually. But I guess this isn’t the first time.

I need a change. I’m going to change. A Vicious change.