Black Tar Heroin Is My Fallback Plan

So, three years on and, not much has changed for me. Those things that have changed seem to be for worse. Is two more years going to be enough to turn it around? Or is it just enough rope to hang myself into a quicker backslide. The worst part, the one that really gets me, is I just plain forget sometimes. Bad Spirit Sea lies ahead.

I’m arguing with myself over what I mean when I tell myself that I can’t “waste” the time I have left.

I’m leaving behind a trail of half-finished books, which is something I’ve never had a problem with before. It all ties in to finishing this stage and moving on to the next.

It’s been awhile. Two weeks home for a funeral, second time in a row. The third is supposed to be a marriage, and then never again till the homecoming. Seems literary in its neatness. They where a time for mourning, carousing and reflection. I, once again without fail, embarrassed myself, but I seem to be getting better at not doing so and not doing it as badly. Honesty is always going to bite me in the ass though.

I’ve come back with a clearer mind now, even if it is a little darker behind and ahead of me. Can I change? It seems something not capable in my person to knock myself out of grooves that are heading in a bad direction, but the only challenges I have trouble meeting are the ones that I must move toward. They almost inevitably defeat me.

I actually teared up a little bit about the election after getting drunk. It’s dumb, but I’m still riding pretty high on what has come to be. The best line of post-election euphoria: “I Know Hope”

My birthday last week at Park was all around raucous. Although I always manage to embarrass myself somehow, I still had a great time. Having work off the next day helped considerably. Lord knows why I insist on calling people long after I’ve been reduced to the point of gibberish.

So beyond the usual cloud of worries that nag at me I’ve begun to feel the weight of two more specifically. Money & Health. These are pretty basic, and somewhat hand-in-hand, but I find myself farther and farther from my goals. Here’s what I want with health, satisfactorily and idealistically. Satisfactory would be to get back down to 200 lbs. or about 15%, which while entirely manageable I seem to be unable to get the ball rolling on. Ideal however is another story. Is that even real?

Money. Hmm. So many goals and yet so little compatibility. I guess I have to choose between two scenarios. One is Okinawa centric, involving me spending likely most of my money here and when traveling. Though souvenir and memory rich it leaves me close to penniless when I return to American shores. The other is to focus on the return and save up for an ambitious all country road trip. If I manage to outdo myself and save up excessively I would like to begin again the Mustang project, though a situation permitting that would likely be a year in the making, but would definitely complete the setting.

A third way is to compromise, but I get the feeling that I would be more satisfied by just falling one way or the other on the issue. A monkey in the wrench, so to say: I may not even be staying out here in Okinawa per my plan, the possibility is that I’ll be returning to sunny San Diego again. I’ve already got web orders to go, it’s just up to whether or not my extension request is approved.

Of course, seven months in Iraq and $12,000 would make all this worry moot.

Every time I tell myself that this system is tenable and won’t break down it is because of the Big Lie I’m willing to coerce myself into. Next I’m going to go down in flames but I’ll be good-god-damned if I’m going to give up my precious fucking ghost. I am raging away in this jungle hell after going top to bottom, and that is because the results are speaking against me. It’s so hard to burn it all to clean ash, especially after so long; I’ve been giving myself a false hope for the last Seven years, and lo, it has worn me bitter. And I swear, I’ll be surprised if I’m even mentioned in someone’s notes. I’ve made this mistake before, but I’ll give it all another chance before I go to bed angry.